This is my journey. As I have said, I'm learning to let go of my past, and embrace my present with as much strength as I can muster. Some days it seems impossible. "Seems" being the keyword. I was married for a very long time. Eighteen and a half years. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would end up alone and living away from him. Sometimes I would wonder what that would be like. C'mon, in all honesty, I think every person in a relationship must wonder that. I never imagined it to be as heartbreaking as it has been. It was not my choice. Yet there's a saying that goes like this: "your life is a result of all the choices you have made". How did I choose this? I didn't choose this. He left. And he didn't want to come back.
It's been since 2006, and I feel like the dust in my heart hasn't quite yet settled. I'm still getting used to living a life without him, raising my daughter, and having my older daughter not live with me. Sometimes when I relax to watch a movie, I look over on the other side of the couch...and it just looks so empty. Like something is missing. One would think that I would already be used to that by now. Yeah...one would think, huh? I have always been a quick learner. Not this time...
But life isn't bad. That's not the purpose of this blog. I do not look upon my divorce (or pending divorce) as a gift. People say "oh you'll look back on this time as a gift." Bullshit. This is not a gift. It's a lesson. I've learned that I can survive a broken heart. A racing mind that won't quit. The nights alone. Going to a family function alone. Going to a school function alone. And just being alone. The things I never thought I could survive...I have. I've learned that I can take the trash out when it needs to be taken out. I've learned that I can fall asleep at night without being afraid. I can clean a house, make dinner, wash clothes, and get my daughter to school on time. I can work a full-time job and still be a great mom that spends good quality time with her kid. I've learned that daycare won't hurt my daughter. I can run half-marathons. I can take the time to learn how to swim laps. I can be an example to my 8 year old daughter, that sometimes life does hurt, and we can get knocked on our ass...AND we can get back up and keep going. As hard as it is...as painful as it is...it's not impossible.
One would think with all these valuable lessons that I am learning that life is only getting better. One would think huh? I can't say yet, whether my life is getting better. I'm learning how to deal with it better. I am still holding on to things I probably shouldn't be holding onto. To memories I probably shouldn't be holding on to. Some things are just gonna take me a little longer to let go of. It's not as easy as it sounds; "just let go". Just taking the wedding ring out of its hiding place, to take the picture below was done in slow motion, and not done with ease. I stared at it for a long long time. But I guess in order to let go, I need to face exactly what it is I need to let go of.
It's been since 2006, and I feel like the dust in my heart hasn't quite yet settled. I'm still getting used to living a life without him, raising my daughter, and having my older daughter not live with me. Sometimes when I relax to watch a movie, I look over on the other side of the couch...and it just looks so empty. Like something is missing. One would think that I would already be used to that by now. Yeah...one would think, huh? I have always been a quick learner. Not this time...
But life isn't bad. That's not the purpose of this blog. I do not look upon my divorce (or pending divorce) as a gift. People say "oh you'll look back on this time as a gift." Bullshit. This is not a gift. It's a lesson. I've learned that I can survive a broken heart. A racing mind that won't quit. The nights alone. Going to a family function alone. Going to a school function alone. And just being alone. The things I never thought I could survive...I have. I've learned that I can take the trash out when it needs to be taken out. I've learned that I can fall asleep at night without being afraid. I can clean a house, make dinner, wash clothes, and get my daughter to school on time. I can work a full-time job and still be a great mom that spends good quality time with her kid. I've learned that daycare won't hurt my daughter. I can run half-marathons. I can take the time to learn how to swim laps. I can be an example to my 8 year old daughter, that sometimes life does hurt, and we can get knocked on our ass...AND we can get back up and keep going. As hard as it is...as painful as it is...it's not impossible.
One would think with all these valuable lessons that I am learning that life is only getting better. One would think huh? I can't say yet, whether my life is getting better. I'm learning how to deal with it better. I am still holding on to things I probably shouldn't be holding onto. To memories I probably shouldn't be holding on to. Some things are just gonna take me a little longer to let go of. It's not as easy as it sounds; "just let go". Just taking the wedding ring out of its hiding place, to take the picture below was done in slow motion, and not done with ease. I stared at it for a long long time. But I guess in order to let go, I need to face exactly what it is I need to let go of.
"Just let go". Yeah....like it's just that easy. Maybe for some people. Not for me.
If you love someone...tell them. And love them. Unconditionally.
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