"In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps." ---proverbs 16:9
Yes, I had plans for my life. For my course. It was to be married, to the same man, for life. That was my plan. However, God has other plans for me. Today is Thanksgiving, and I have dreaded this day for the past month. To me, Thanksgiving is such a family holiday...and my family is so broken...what used to be my favorite holiday has now become a "nothing" holiday. I look at God and I say: "this is not how it's supposed to be!!" And he looks back at me and says: "i love you." Three simple words. And there were some really dark days in these past 2 years when I did NOT feel that love. But it was there. Today, I have no doubt that God's love has always been (and always will be) there. I saw a quote once; "pain is god's megaphone". I don't know what path I was on before my marriage ended. I sure know what path I am on TODAY because God used my divorce as His megaphone. Yes...God has surely gotten my attention. And even with my mental pain I experience almost on a daily basis; I love God and I would not trade this experience for anything. I have held on to God with such a desperation that I hope to never ever forget.
I have had thoughts like committing myself to a mental hospital because I feel like I am going crazy. I have had thoughts like going to bed at night and hoping my eyes never opened in the morning. I have had thoughts of my heart hurting so bad, it just simply stops beating. I have had fearful thoughts like what if I never fall out of love with the man I married? Is my existence on this planet going to be filled with mental torture? Fearful thoughts of what if I am never able to move on? What if I'm stuck in my past, never to cross the bridge to whatever future God has planned for me? My mind just picks up speed, and pretty soon it's a full blown tornado and there's no stopping.
"Be still and know that I am God". Where is that in the bible? I have thought of that often. Especially when I am sitting still, and then the mind starts....I hear this other thought that says "be still and know that I am God". And when I am able to be still, and listen to God, I hear Him telling me that everything is going to be okay. That everything is ALREADY okay.
And there are days when I cry to God, and ask him to forgive me for doubting Him SO MUCH. Everyday of my life, Sami tells me she loves me. I get kisses and hugs from her. When I drop her off at school, I can't just drive away. I always stay there for just a few seconds to watch her walk towards her class. And she ALWAYS looks back, smiles and waves. Everyday of my life, I get phone calls or text messages from friends who love me and want to know where I'm at....what I'm doing...when they'll see me....etc. People smile when I walk into a room, they don't hide. People want to hear me talk and tell my stories. Friendships that I never expected to have---have turned into my best blessings. I have a job that I go to, and laugh my ass off some days. I have neighbors who watch out for me. And it's true. It doesn't matter what kind of car I drive, or what kind of house I live in. What matters is people. People are my link to God.
Even the one woman who came between me and my husband. Even she is a link to God. Will I ever thank her? LOL....uhhh....NO! But I don't hate her anymore. God will fight my battles for me. All I have to do is forgive and let God take care of the rest. Do I wish her the same pain I was afflicted with? Yeah...I do. But because I want to please God...I have to make a conscious effort to forgive. And it's HARD.
So on this dreaded holiday, I sit here listening to music and feeling so very grateful to be alive. I spent some time with friends this morning before I went to work. Then I went to work, and spent time with friends there and laughed. And now I'm on my way to spend some time with yet, some more friends.
Life is good. God is good. And Lorella gave me the bible that I took a picture of in this blog. Thank you Lorella. You have no idea how precious it is to me. More than you could ever possibly know.
