Hope Now...

"In his heart a man plans his course,

but the LORD determines his steps." ---proverbs 16:9

Yes, I had plans for my life. For my course. It was to be married, to the same man, for life. That was my plan. However, God has other plans for me. Today is Thanksgiving, and I have dreaded this day for the past month. To me, Thanksgiving is such a family holiday...and my family is so broken...what used to be my favorite holiday has now become a "nothing" holiday. I look at God and I say: "this is not how it's supposed to be!!" And he looks back at me and says: "i love you." Three simple words. And there were some really dark days in these past 2 years when I did NOT feel that love. But it was there. Today, I have no doubt that God's love has always been (and always will be) there. I saw a quote once; "pain is god's megaphone". I don't know what path I was on before my marriage ended. I sure know what path I am on TODAY because God used my divorce as His megaphone. Yes...God has surely gotten my attention. And even with my mental pain I experience almost on a daily basis; I love God and I would not trade this experience for anything. I have held on to God with such a desperation that I hope to never ever forget.

I have had thoughts like committing myself to a mental hospital because I feel like I am going crazy. I have had thoughts like going to bed at night and hoping my eyes never opened in the morning. I have had thoughts of my heart hurting so bad, it just simply stops beating. I have had fearful thoughts like what if I never fall out of love with the man I married? Is my existence on this planet going to be filled with mental torture? Fearful thoughts of what if I am never able to move on? What if I'm stuck in my past, never to cross the bridge to whatever future God has planned for me? My mind just picks up speed, and pretty soon it's a full blown tornado and there's no stopping.

"Be still and know that I am God". Where is that in the bible? I have thought of that often. Especially when I am sitting still, and then the mind starts....I hear this other thought that says "be still and know that I am God". And when I am able to be still, and listen to God, I hear Him telling me that everything is going to be okay. That everything is ALREADY okay.

And there are days when I cry to God, and ask him to forgive me for doubting Him SO MUCH. Everyday of my life, Sami tells me she loves me. I get kisses and hugs from her. When I drop her off at school, I can't just drive away. I always stay there for just a few seconds to watch her walk towards her class. And she ALWAYS looks back, smiles and waves. Everyday of my life, I get phone calls or text messages from friends who love me and want to know where I'm at....what I'm doing...when they'll see me....etc. People smile when I walk into a room, they don't hide. People want to hear me talk and tell my stories. Friendships that I never expected to have---have turned into my best blessings. I have a job that I go to, and laugh my ass off some days. I have neighbors who watch out for me. And it's true. It doesn't matter what kind of car I drive, or what kind of house I live in. What matters is people. People are my link to God.

Even the one woman who came between me and my husband. Even she is a link to God. Will I ever thank her? LOL....uhhh....NO! But I don't hate her anymore. God will fight my battles for me. All I have to do is forgive and let God take care of the rest. Do I wish her the same pain I was afflicted with? Yeah...I do. But because I want to please God...I have to make a conscious effort to forgive. And it's HARD.

So on this dreaded holiday, I sit here listening to music and feeling so very grateful to be alive. I spent some time with friends this morning before I went to work. Then I went to work, and spent time with friends there and laughed. And now I'm on my way to spend some time with yet, some more friends.

Life is good. God is good. And Lorella gave me the bible that I took a picture of in this blog. Thank you Lorella. You have no idea how precious it is to me. More than you could ever possibly know.

A Big Lesson.

I have learned so much within the past three months, it's amazing. I have faltered and stumbled in my faith, HARD....because when my marriage ended....I ended. I sometimes feel I talk about this too much (my marriage ending), but my marriage was who I was. My belief in God was only present when good things were happening in my life. And to me..."good things" meant things that made me happy. I was the one defining what "good" meant. Me. Not God. ME.

When I make my daughter have a bedtime, it does not make her happy. But it's for her good. (and my sanity). When I don't let her have chocolate cupcakes for dinner, she is not happy...but it's for her own good. When she wants to stay home and miss school, I don't let her. No matter how much she begs......why? because it's for her own good.......

How is God any different with me? He is doing things for my own good, but I don't think they are good because it's not what "I" want.

I have learned that regardless of my heartbreak and tears, God is here. And even though it doesn't feel like He is with me, there are good things coming to pass. I tell myself on a daily basis to just be patient. God knows what "I" want. And that's as far as "I" can take it. The rest is up to God. I have learned that just because I "feel" like my world ended...it hasn't. Perhaps it has just begun. When the cacoon feels like the world has ended, it is just the beginning when it flies as a butterfly.....right? And as ironic as this sounds, coming from me, who was such a cynic towards God just months ago....my belief in him has been strengthened. My love for him has grown. My dependence on him has multiplied. And when I have my moments when I cry, it's okay. My tears will not last forever. There ARE good things happening. I DO laugh and smile. I DO love many people in my life who love me back. I HAVE met new friends on this new journey. I used to believe that God only existed when "I" approved of what was going on in my life. And when things went a different way, then I believed He must have forsaken me. That is what I "used' to believe. Today, I believe that whatever has happened in my past....today I have the best life I could ever have. The very best...

Yes.
Life IS good....

TODAY, my belief is along the same lines as this song I heard not too long ago. This song speaks my heart. I hope you click here to listen to it...

http://www.rinni-godsgrace.blogspot.com/

TODAY is moving day!

The day I took this picture, I was soooooooo confused. I was housesitting in Huntington Beach for my friend. I hadn't even gotten to her place yet, because I went to walk around downtown and walk around the pier. I sat here on the pier to watch the sun slowly set. And I remember feeling more than just confused. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Move? Stay in Brea? I didn't want to stay in Brea, and yet I was afraid to move out of Brea. I snapped this picture because I wanted to remember the exact moment I said: "Ok God. Whatever you want. Whatever you want, I will do. Just put it in front of me. I'll do it. Cuz I can't figure this out on my own." After I watched the sun set, I walked around a little more. Grabbed something to eat. And I sat in my car to eat my sandwich before I drove over to my friend's house to house-sit. Marianne Williamson was on the radio. And she was talking about letting old things go so that new things can come into play. And she talked about cutting the cord to what ties us. As I listened to that, I had no idea what was to come for me.

I went to house-sit. Saw a condo for rent. Made a call. Made an appointment to fill out an application. Met with the landlord. Went a week without hearing anything. And when I decided that it must not have been meant to be...the landlord called. And my life took a turn. I gave a 30-day notice at my apartments. I started looking for boxes. I started to pack. I started to lose some sleep. I started to take a leap of faith. I started to get excited. When I gave my 30 day notice...that was the cord that Marianne Williamson was talking about. That was the beginning for me, to cut the cord of all the things that tie me to Brea. And it was just one thing, really...that tied me here.

Fast-forward 30 days. Today is moving day. I'm excited. I'm happy. I'm grateful. And yeah, I'm stressed. I took the day off today...to be ready by moving time. And here I sit, blogging. (Thanks Lorella...)

My life is so good. It's not where I ever expected it to be. But it's good. The day I handed my heart over to God was the best thing I could have ever done. I had to let go in order for Him to heal me. I held on for so long. And for what? For pain. Letting go was so scary, but so right for me to do. And I didn't know that at the time. Today I know.

YES...

LIFE IS GOOD.

To New Beginnings!

Once again, for the second time in a year and a half, I am moving. I was packing some more boxes today, and as I was packing I was thinking: "This is just too fricken much!!!" And then I wondered how I did it the first time. I moved to another apartment when he had been gone for 4 months. Looking back, I don't even remember packing boxes and labeling them...wrapping things up...I don't remember anything. I did the entire move alone. It wasn't a matter of pride. I wasn't angry when I moved. I was heartbroken. And shattered.

Today I am overwhelmed with getting ready for this move, but so excited at the same time. I have let him go, and I have handed my heart over to God for healing. I am moving one block from the beach. I will be closer to work. I have friends that live nearby. REAL nearby! Yesterday I went and signed the lease, and got the keys. I have a fantastic landlord. She seems extremely nice. She was willing to look beyond the woman I appeared to be on paper. And give me a chance. My credit took a nosedive when he walked out. There were days I wasn't sure me and Sami were gonna make it. Things looked bleak. We were broke. We were beyond broke. I didn't have a great-paying job. I cried everyday.

Today I laughed all day at work. My morning started out fantastic, and the day just kept getting better. After work, I came home and packed a lot. And now I'm trying to wind down so that I can get some sleep. I was not able to sleep last night. I tossed and turned. Out of excitement, and about 150 things on my mind. I am a different woman today than I was a year ago. I look different, and I feel different. I am different. I have a stronger relationship with God today than I had one year ago. I'm more solid in my job today than I was one year ago. I am happier in my life today than I was one year ago. I have more friends today, than I had a year ago.

I am surrounded by boxes. On a little spot here on the couch. Amidst a really stressful time. And I sit here and smile. Because in two days...a new life begins. A new life.

God shut one door. And I stayed at that door pounding and pounding. "Let me in! Let me in!" Because when that door shut, and I was on the outside of it, I looked around in total panic and fear. I had no idea what would happen to me. I felt so small in this huge world. I felt lost. I felt very confused. And it's taken a long time (almost two years) for me to stop pounding and to turn around and start walking.

One thing I know today, that I did NOT know one year ago. God is taking care of me.

Life is good. I trust you, God.

Lead the way....I will follow.

Where are you God?

As children bring their broken toys

with tears for us to mend

I brought my broken dreams to God

Becouse he was my friend

But then instead of leaving him

in peace to work alone

I hung around and tried to help

With ways that were my own

When I snatched my dreams back and cried

"How could you be so slow"?

He said, "My child, what could I do

You never would let go."

It's been quite a while since I've blogged anything. I have been putting this blog off, because I knew it was the one that had to come next. When I was married, I had NO faith in God. Wait, I take that back....I had no "relationship" with God. It was always easy to thank God in the good times. And it was "ok" to go through bad times....because I had my husband there. And it was easy to say "well there are reasons for everything!"

But when he left, and said to me that he didn't love me anymore...and hadn't in YEARS...my faith in God came into question. My belief in Him was pretty much null. I couldn't understand what kind of God would break my family apart. Was I happy being married? Not really, but I was happier than I am now. Was it easy being married? Not really, but it was easier than doing this alone. Were there fights when we were married? Yeah, he didn't like taking the trash out! Today I realize if I wanted the trash taken out, all I had to do was take it out myself. I know that no one can make me feel anything without my consent...but him leaving has made me feel so worthless and insignificant. Not once, since he's left, has he EVER asked me how I am doing. NOT ONCE. He made it look so easy, to walk away from a 20 year relationship. Like I never had any impact on his life. It's a horrible horrible feeling.

We (me and him) had a conversation about a month ago. Where I put myself out there. I told him I still loved him. I told him I was still adjusting to life without him. I told him I was moving out of Brea because it was too hard for me being here, around the corner from him. I told him I was sorry for so many of the things my insecurities led me to do. I even told him I was sorry for getting mad at him when he didn't take the trash out. I told him I wished good things for him, and that the woman who captured his heart was a lucky woman. I cried as I told him that he was right to leave. Because when he left, I learned so much about myself. And that maybe if I ever got into another relationship, I could do it right. I told him that by telling him I felt all these things, that maybe I could let go and move on.

I said those things to get them off my chest. I didn't expect a response. I wasn't looking for one. But I felt like I was truly handing my heart over to God. I was finally letting go. And while I had lost my faith in God, and struggling SO HARD to get it back...to finally believe that God had my best interest at heart...what I hadn't realized was that while I was struggling so hard against God...I developed a relationship with Him. I talked to Him every single day, sometimes it felt like a million times a day. After I had that conversation with Adam...I went home early from work, and I spent time with God. I cried a lot because I knew I was saying good-bye.

When he first left, I held on to some form of hope. Hope that "one day" he would realize he couldn't live without me, and would come to me saying he was so sorry for anything he had done. I swore that I would never be the first one to initiate that conversation. But I was the first one to initiate it, and I did say that I still loved him. And nothing changed. I have a hard time believing that I was married to someone for so long, who was unemotional. But I was, and I can't change the past.

Today my house is filled with boxes all around me. An entire mess. I am moving to Huntington Beach. Me and Sami. I will be 7 miles from work. And I have hope that I am beginning a new chapter in my life. The move is all God's will. I didn't struggle at all to make this work out...it just did. Everything fell into place perfectly and easily. I have learned today that when I'm struggling for something to happen...it's not God's will. I don't like His will at times, and I question it. Because I don't understand it. And I don't have to understand it. Understanding it would not make my broken heart heal. What will make my heart heal is God's love. And god's love is in my friends that have supported me through all of this. The ones that have hugged me when I was crying. The ones who have logged out at work to give me thier shoulder. The ones who have prayed for me. The ones who have talked to me till all hours of the night. The ones who have given me cards, just to let me know they are thinking of me. The ones who support me in going back to church.

And I dare to ask God..."where are you??"

Through a painful journey....I have learned that no matter what God has planned for me...it's all good.

It's all good.

My Sam Sam

This little girl has no idea how much life she has breathed into me. She lives for the moment. Totally and completely. She writes me letters and tells me she loves me. She draws me pictures full of hearts and her own thoughts. I think my favorite one to date said: "Dear Mom, I love you as much as I love God."

Dear Sami, I love you more than life itself.

She has had her trials going through this divorce right along with me. Her daddy no longer lives here with her and after a year and a half, she still wonders if he will ever come back. Some nights when we're laying in the darkness and quietness...her little voice will break the silence with: "Mom, do you still love dad?" Knife to my heart. Sometimes I just don't want to answer. I want to say "shhh, go to sleep." But instead I tell her the truth. One day while we were driving to the bank, out of the blue she asked me: "Mom, why did dad leave?" I answered: "Well, Sami, he wanted a better life." And she said: "Mom! He HAD a better life!!!" Once she asked: "Does dad still love you?" How do you tell your 8 year old child that love can be turned off like a water faucet? It's impossible. One time as I was driving her to school....she said to me: "Mom...you lied to me." And I was trying to put my mascara on, text my friends, and drive her to school.....I looked at her and said "Lied? Lied about what???" She said: "You promised me a long time ago that you and dad would NEVER get divorced." I said, "yeah, I did make that promise huh. I'm sorry Sami. I didn't think we ever would get divorced." When I dropped her off at school, it was no use putting on mascara. The tears just kept coming.

She asks a lot of questions. Because she knows I will answer.

And this little ball of fire is full of life. Once in a while, she'll pause and wonder and ask. When she gets an answer...she moves on back to living. I should take some lessons from her.

Yes...Life is good.

My Moon

Since this is my journey of living in the now, and letting go of my past...I thought I would share with you what amazing book I've been reading. It's titled "The Power of Now". I have a lot to learn in regards to living in TODAY. I've heard all the slogans:

• one day at a time
• today is the first day of the rest of your life
• today is all that matters
• life is too short
• today is a gift, that's why it's called the present

And I'm sure there are many more. I even think on my profile, I have it written "today is all that matters". It's true, today IS all that matters. It has been one hell of a ride to let go of my yesterdays. I've got 20 years of yesterdays that I don't really want to give up. So the question comes down to: Do I want to give up the 20 years of yesterdays, or do I want to be happy?

I want to be happy.

Which is why I'm reading this book. I read something that was so profound for me. Perhaps not for you. But this is MY journey. The book, naturally, was talking about living in the NOW. And it said:

Nothing ever happened in the past; it happened in the Now. Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now. What you think of as the past is a memory trace, stored in the mind, of a former Now. When you remember the past, you reactivate a memory trace--and you do so now. The future is an imagined Now, a projection of the mind. Past and future obviously have no reality of
their own. (And here comes the profound part for me) Just as the moon as no light of its own, but can only reflect the light of the sun, so are past and future only pale reflections of the light, power, and reality of the eternal present. Their reality is "borrowed" from the Now.

When I look at the moon, I am reminded that my past is only kept alive by my energy of my present. Today is June 5th, 2008. Not April 30th, 1988. The moon has no light of its own. My past has no energy on its own. This book says something about non-forgiveness implies a heavy burden of psychological time. Psychological time meaning time in my HEAD. And I had to close the book and think about that sentence. Non-forgiveness. I think I have forgiven him, the husband that didn't want me anymore. So the real question is: if I have forgiven him, why am I holding on to a past that no longer serves me....

"Even when the sky is heavily overcast, the sun hasn't disappeared. It's still there on the other side of the clouds." --Eckhart Tolle

Yes...Life is good.

There was a purpose

I may have failed at marriage, but I succeeded in making one of the most beautiful things that exist in this world.

Yes, Life is good...

"Run, Rinni....RUN!" (that's what Mels says)

Here I am, at the finish line. This is what a picture turns out like when you're trying to smile, and all you really feel is PAIN. The photographer would think I was happy and feeling good. Uh, yeah....RIGHT. As Lorella says: Uh, yeah...so anyway....

But, it was another half that I finished. Yes, I do have big smiles about that. I went on this trip alone, to reflect on where my life was going. I spent five days with just me. I discovered I'm really not a bad person after all. I relaxed and spent a lot of quiet time with me. I worked two of the five days that I was there. The night before the race, I was busy putting the music I wanted on my blackberry. It was the first time I was going to be running without an ipod. I wanted to set my blackberry up for this run so that I could take pictures on the route. I couldn't sleep because of excitement. The morning of the race, I forced myself to eat a bagel. The excitement and nervousness was still there, and I couldn't wait to start running. I knew there was no one at the finish line waiting for me, and that was a nice feeling! This was MY run. I knew that I would be there when I got there. At mile 10, I felt like I wanted to die. Mile 11, I wanted to lay down in the middle of the path. Mile 12 I asked myself WHY DID I SIGN UP FOR THIS? Mile 13, I couldn't believe I was at the end. And at the finish line....I felt sooooooooo good. I had done it. Again!

During this run, I decided my life is wonderful. Even though the sadness is still hard to shake....my life is good. I'm still not used to being single. I'm not sure if I ever will be used to that. But for TODAY, my life is good. I am in good health. My daughters are in good health. I am provided opportunities to learn about what life really is. The other day, I was listening to someone talk about how she was so angry at her new haircut. She said she'd been complaining about it for two days, and then she went and had lunch with a friend. Her friend was going through chemotherapy, and didn't have any hair. And this bad-haircut lady said it made her see that she really had nothing to complain about.

Yeah...my life is good. I may not be complaining about my hair. But I'm grumbling about being single and alone. And yet...I don't have to deal with deeper issues like chemotherapy. I think I can say Thank You to the Universe for giving me an issue such as divorce to deal with.

Life is good.

To see the stars, you need darkness

I was listening to my XM radio this morning on the way to work. Rabbi Shmuley comes on at 9am. When I first started listening to him, I thought "a Rabbi? uh....NO" and was getting ready to change the channel when he must have said something profound to peak my interest. You see...I have what's called "contempt prior to investigation". Which means I don't like things before I even give them a chance. Like Lobster, Thai food, sushi, yogurt, and oatmeal! I don't like them AND I've never tasted them!! My list of things can go on and on. And one of the parts of this journey of mine is to keep an open-mind. With Rabbi Shmuley, I had that contempt prior to investigation. I figured he was a Rabbi, he was gonna try and convert me to become Jewish. On the contrary. I have found him to be a wise spiritual reality-based talk show host. I look forward to listening to him every morning on my way to work. And I'm always disappointed when I arrive to work, and can't listen the rest of his show.

This morning, he asked a question. "If you had been given the chance to be born, and do this ALL OVER AGAIN....would you have?" My first thought was NOPE. If I was given the option to view my life ahead of time.....I would probably say: "uh...nah. You guys go ahead, I'm gonna stay behind." I don't think there's ever been a time in my life (thus far) that has gone smooth. Things have always been hard. Complicated. Being a daughter...a friend...a mom...a wife...an employee...a sober woman...it's all been complicated.

I have heard that we choose our parents. And I thought about: "what if....JUST WHAT IF...I actually was given a choice. At some time in my spiritual life? What if I was shown lives, and I was told "ok, pick which one you want". What if that were actually the case? I know the kind of person I am. I will take the hard road. The road that has challenges. I will take the competitive route. Something that is going to be a challenge. And I bet, when I saw the life I was to have....some angel probably looked at me and said: "I dare ya. I dare you to choose that life right there....and NOT kill yourself." And I probably said: "you're on...."




I wondered today if I was here on a dare...




I can remember growing up and being a sad child. A scared child. An anxious child. And growing into my teen years. A sad teen. A scared teen. An anxious teen. And then coming into adulthood. A sad adult. A scared adult. An anxious adult. And then becoming a woman. A sad woman. A scared woman. An anxious woman. Life was never easy. I'm not saying it wasn't good. I had some good times. It was just never easy.

I probably took this life on a dare. That I could be happy IN SPITE OF my challenges. That I could be happy IN SPITE of my growing up years. That I could be happy IN SPITE of my drunken years. That I could be happy IN SPITE of this heartbreaking divorce I am now facing. That I could be happy, IN SPITE of whatever happens. I believe I chose my life, to prove to someone...that I could survive. Because there have been many times I wish I was not here. But every morning I wake up. And I live a good life. That doesn't come easy. But it still comes.

Rabbi Shmuley says that in order for us to create happiness within us, we need a purpose. When my husband moved out, I lost a huge part of my purpose in life. I was supposed to grow old with him. And he took that away. My older daughter moved out ahead of schedule, at age 17. I lost some purpose of being a mother. I had no idea how to be a mother to a daughter that lives in another home. I began to worry about my younger daughter. What will happen TO ME if she decides to leave me too? Life was one big ball of worry and fear.

My purpose in life came to me today. At age 40. It's simply to be happy. IN SPITE OF whatever life throws my way. I believe there was a moment in time, when I was offered the opportunity to view my entire life. Perhaps that's why we have deja vu. And in that opportunity, I must have seen something that made me say "I want that life. Give me that one." I chose this life. I believe it strongly.




And I believe when I was shown this life, THIS is what I saw that made me say:
"I WANT THIS LIFE.
I'LL TAKE IT."










Yes...Life is good...