My Sam Sam

This little girl has no idea how much life she has breathed into me. She lives for the moment. Totally and completely. She writes me letters and tells me she loves me. She draws me pictures full of hearts and her own thoughts. I think my favorite one to date said: "Dear Mom, I love you as much as I love God."

Dear Sami, I love you more than life itself.

She has had her trials going through this divorce right along with me. Her daddy no longer lives here with her and after a year and a half, she still wonders if he will ever come back. Some nights when we're laying in the darkness and quietness...her little voice will break the silence with: "Mom, do you still love dad?" Knife to my heart. Sometimes I just don't want to answer. I want to say "shhh, go to sleep." But instead I tell her the truth. One day while we were driving to the bank, out of the blue she asked me: "Mom, why did dad leave?" I answered: "Well, Sami, he wanted a better life." And she said: "Mom! He HAD a better life!!!" Once she asked: "Does dad still love you?" How do you tell your 8 year old child that love can be turned off like a water faucet? It's impossible. One time as I was driving her to school....she said to me: "Mom...you lied to me." And I was trying to put my mascara on, text my friends, and drive her to school.....I looked at her and said "Lied? Lied about what???" She said: "You promised me a long time ago that you and dad would NEVER get divorced." I said, "yeah, I did make that promise huh. I'm sorry Sami. I didn't think we ever would get divorced." When I dropped her off at school, it was no use putting on mascara. The tears just kept coming.

She asks a lot of questions. Because she knows I will answer.

And this little ball of fire is full of life. Once in a while, she'll pause and wonder and ask. When she gets an answer...she moves on back to living. I should take some lessons from her.

Yes...Life is good.

My Moon

Since this is my journey of living in the now, and letting go of my past...I thought I would share with you what amazing book I've been reading. It's titled "The Power of Now". I have a lot to learn in regards to living in TODAY. I've heard all the slogans:

• one day at a time
• today is the first day of the rest of your life
• today is all that matters
• life is too short
• today is a gift, that's why it's called the present

And I'm sure there are many more. I even think on my profile, I have it written "today is all that matters". It's true, today IS all that matters. It has been one hell of a ride to let go of my yesterdays. I've got 20 years of yesterdays that I don't really want to give up. So the question comes down to: Do I want to give up the 20 years of yesterdays, or do I want to be happy?

I want to be happy.

Which is why I'm reading this book. I read something that was so profound for me. Perhaps not for you. But this is MY journey. The book, naturally, was talking about living in the NOW. And it said:

Nothing ever happened in the past; it happened in the Now. Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now. What you think of as the past is a memory trace, stored in the mind, of a former Now. When you remember the past, you reactivate a memory trace--and you do so now. The future is an imagined Now, a projection of the mind. Past and future obviously have no reality of
their own. (And here comes the profound part for me) Just as the moon as no light of its own, but can only reflect the light of the sun, so are past and future only pale reflections of the light, power, and reality of the eternal present. Their reality is "borrowed" from the Now.

When I look at the moon, I am reminded that my past is only kept alive by my energy of my present. Today is June 5th, 2008. Not April 30th, 1988. The moon has no light of its own. My past has no energy on its own. This book says something about non-forgiveness implies a heavy burden of psychological time. Psychological time meaning time in my HEAD. And I had to close the book and think about that sentence. Non-forgiveness. I think I have forgiven him, the husband that didn't want me anymore. So the real question is: if I have forgiven him, why am I holding on to a past that no longer serves me....

"Even when the sky is heavily overcast, the sun hasn't disappeared. It's still there on the other side of the clouds." --Eckhart Tolle

Yes...Life is good.