There was a purpose

I may have failed at marriage, but I succeeded in making one of the most beautiful things that exist in this world.

Yes, Life is good...

"Run, Rinni....RUN!" (that's what Mels says)

Here I am, at the finish line. This is what a picture turns out like when you're trying to smile, and all you really feel is PAIN. The photographer would think I was happy and feeling good. Uh, yeah....RIGHT. As Lorella says: Uh, yeah...so anyway....

But, it was another half that I finished. Yes, I do have big smiles about that. I went on this trip alone, to reflect on where my life was going. I spent five days with just me. I discovered I'm really not a bad person after all. I relaxed and spent a lot of quiet time with me. I worked two of the five days that I was there. The night before the race, I was busy putting the music I wanted on my blackberry. It was the first time I was going to be running without an ipod. I wanted to set my blackberry up for this run so that I could take pictures on the route. I couldn't sleep because of excitement. The morning of the race, I forced myself to eat a bagel. The excitement and nervousness was still there, and I couldn't wait to start running. I knew there was no one at the finish line waiting for me, and that was a nice feeling! This was MY run. I knew that I would be there when I got there. At mile 10, I felt like I wanted to die. Mile 11, I wanted to lay down in the middle of the path. Mile 12 I asked myself WHY DID I SIGN UP FOR THIS? Mile 13, I couldn't believe I was at the end. And at the finish line....I felt sooooooooo good. I had done it. Again!

During this run, I decided my life is wonderful. Even though the sadness is still hard to shake....my life is good. I'm still not used to being single. I'm not sure if I ever will be used to that. But for TODAY, my life is good. I am in good health. My daughters are in good health. I am provided opportunities to learn about what life really is. The other day, I was listening to someone talk about how she was so angry at her new haircut. She said she'd been complaining about it for two days, and then she went and had lunch with a friend. Her friend was going through chemotherapy, and didn't have any hair. And this bad-haircut lady said it made her see that she really had nothing to complain about.

Yeah...my life is good. I may not be complaining about my hair. But I'm grumbling about being single and alone. And yet...I don't have to deal with deeper issues like chemotherapy. I think I can say Thank You to the Universe for giving me an issue such as divorce to deal with.

Life is good.

To see the stars, you need darkness

I was listening to my XM radio this morning on the way to work. Rabbi Shmuley comes on at 9am. When I first started listening to him, I thought "a Rabbi? uh....NO" and was getting ready to change the channel when he must have said something profound to peak my interest. You see...I have what's called "contempt prior to investigation". Which means I don't like things before I even give them a chance. Like Lobster, Thai food, sushi, yogurt, and oatmeal! I don't like them AND I've never tasted them!! My list of things can go on and on. And one of the parts of this journey of mine is to keep an open-mind. With Rabbi Shmuley, I had that contempt prior to investigation. I figured he was a Rabbi, he was gonna try and convert me to become Jewish. On the contrary. I have found him to be a wise spiritual reality-based talk show host. I look forward to listening to him every morning on my way to work. And I'm always disappointed when I arrive to work, and can't listen the rest of his show.

This morning, he asked a question. "If you had been given the chance to be born, and do this ALL OVER AGAIN....would you have?" My first thought was NOPE. If I was given the option to view my life ahead of time.....I would probably say: "uh...nah. You guys go ahead, I'm gonna stay behind." I don't think there's ever been a time in my life (thus far) that has gone smooth. Things have always been hard. Complicated. Being a daughter...a friend...a mom...a wife...an employee...a sober woman...it's all been complicated.

I have heard that we choose our parents. And I thought about: "what if....JUST WHAT IF...I actually was given a choice. At some time in my spiritual life? What if I was shown lives, and I was told "ok, pick which one you want". What if that were actually the case? I know the kind of person I am. I will take the hard road. The road that has challenges. I will take the competitive route. Something that is going to be a challenge. And I bet, when I saw the life I was to have....some angel probably looked at me and said: "I dare ya. I dare you to choose that life right there....and NOT kill yourself." And I probably said: "you're on...."




I wondered today if I was here on a dare...




I can remember growing up and being a sad child. A scared child. An anxious child. And growing into my teen years. A sad teen. A scared teen. An anxious teen. And then coming into adulthood. A sad adult. A scared adult. An anxious adult. And then becoming a woman. A sad woman. A scared woman. An anxious woman. Life was never easy. I'm not saying it wasn't good. I had some good times. It was just never easy.

I probably took this life on a dare. That I could be happy IN SPITE OF my challenges. That I could be happy IN SPITE of my growing up years. That I could be happy IN SPITE of my drunken years. That I could be happy IN SPITE of this heartbreaking divorce I am now facing. That I could be happy, IN SPITE of whatever happens. I believe I chose my life, to prove to someone...that I could survive. Because there have been many times I wish I was not here. But every morning I wake up. And I live a good life. That doesn't come easy. But it still comes.

Rabbi Shmuley says that in order for us to create happiness within us, we need a purpose. When my husband moved out, I lost a huge part of my purpose in life. I was supposed to grow old with him. And he took that away. My older daughter moved out ahead of schedule, at age 17. I lost some purpose of being a mother. I had no idea how to be a mother to a daughter that lives in another home. I began to worry about my younger daughter. What will happen TO ME if she decides to leave me too? Life was one big ball of worry and fear.

My purpose in life came to me today. At age 40. It's simply to be happy. IN SPITE OF whatever life throws my way. I believe there was a moment in time, when I was offered the opportunity to view my entire life. Perhaps that's why we have deja vu. And in that opportunity, I must have seen something that made me say "I want that life. Give me that one." I chose this life. I believe it strongly.




And I believe when I was shown this life, THIS is what I saw that made me say:
"I WANT THIS LIFE.
I'LL TAKE IT."










Yes...Life is good...

Breathe in....Breathe out...

Swimming has recently become a new hobby. I don't even know if "hobby" is the right word. I'm following a training schedule for a half-marathon...and the part that says "cross training", I decided to do swimming. I was never a swimmer. Never really cared for the water. Mainly because I couldn't swim. I couldn't get the breathing, and the strokes sychronized. I put it up in front of me as a challenge...and fell in love with swimming. I can't believe it! I look forward to going to the gym to get into the pool. Who would have ever thunk?!

Swimming was HIS sport. Not mine. I even thought he could teach me how to swim. We went to the pool one time, and I just couldn't get the breathing. After one 5-minute lesson, I gave up. As my deaf sister would say: "I gave it up". When I decided to take up swimming, I knew it would be something I would have to master. I set out to become a swimmer. With a ton of doubt in my head.

The first time I went to the pool at the gym, I swam for MAYBE 15 minutes. It was SO HARD! I couldn't get the breathing. The water burned my eyes. My hair kept getting in my face. I swallowed water. Water went up my nose. I coughed. My arms flailed all over the place. I stopped mid-lap just to catch my breath. It was hard. I went to work and my friends told me to GET GOGGLES! So off I went to Sport Chalet. I bought a swimcap, and some goggles. Three days later, I went back to the evil pool to try again. I lasted 30 minutes. The goggles made such a difference! And the swimcap kept my hair out of my face. It was great! I went back again. And again. It was getting a little easier. I still don't consider myself a swimmer. But I'm sure much better than I've ever been in my life!

Tonight, I swam 30 laps. Not straight through. I swim one lap at a time. With a breather in between. But it was still THIRTY LAPS! When I got out of the pool, I sat in the hot tub. Just to think and relax. And I realized that swimming is probably the only thing that keeps my mind quiet. For the thirty laps, I don't think about anything else other than breathing in....and breathing out. I don't think about my husband leaving. I don't think about him being over me. I don't think about work. I don't think about bills. I don't think about weight. I don't think about growing old alone. I don't think about cleaning house. I don't think about the laundry. I don't think about getting my car washed. I don't think about ANYTHING! What bliss...

I said THANK YOU to the universe, for allowing me the health to swim. To rise to the challenge. To master something I've never done. I said THANK YOU for quieting my mind. Even if it was just for 3o laps, it was peaceful in my head. Peaceful.

I am in love with swimming. Because of the quiet it brings my mind. I took a picture of the pennies I took tonight. When I swam up and back, I moved a penny over. That counted as 2 laps. I had 15 pennies. When they were all moved to the side...I knew I had completed thirty laps.

Yes...life is good.

The True Meaning?

Hmm....perhaps THIS is what life is about!

My Gratitude List

The Universe is good to me. I am grateful for:

1. My heartbreak. Because I learned that my heart keeps beating.
2. I was almost destroyed financially. Because I learned that God will provide.
3. My painful divorce. Because I learned that pain is weakness leaving the body.
4. He said he didn't love me. Because I learned that he was right. (Love isn't supposed to hurt)
5. Living alone. Because I learned how to love myself.
6. Being overweight. Because I recently took up swimming and I love it.
7. Getting fired from Sorenson. Because I now have the best job in the world.
8. Being betrayed. Because I learned how to forgive.

Yesterday, I was sitting on my couch. There was a knock at the door. I told Sami to answer the door cuz it's always for her anyway. This time, it wasn't. There was a man standing at the door, holding flowers....asking for Reenie. (Rhymes with Weenie). I got up off the couch, and went to see what the heck? They were flowers. FOR ME! And before I even saw the card, I knew they were from someone that loved me. Because they were yellow tulips. My absolute favorite! My friend sent them as an apology. I'd never gotten flowers as an apology. Ever have a spat with a friend? That's what this was. And I needed time to cool off. Never did it enter my mind that the friendship was over. But because of one of the lessons on my gratitude list...I have learned how to forgive. And the most beautiful thing is, I forgave him before he decided to send me flowers. I used to hold grudges forever. Not anymore. Life is just too short for unkind words. Forgiveness is a magical thing. If there's someone in your life you haven't forgiven...do it. And watch the magic transform your heart.


I continued living out my weekend, being relaxed and enjoying being at peace. My older daughter, Dani, came over to relax with us. And my best moment was probably watching my two girls lay on the floor watching tv. Actually, Dani laid down on the floor and covered up with a blanket, and Sami copied. Isn't this a beautiful picture? Any mom would agree with me.

Life is good. No doubt about it. I say Thank You to the Universe for all the lessons I am learning. Learning how to appreciate all the tiny moments. Life really is about the memories we create. I am loved. Now, I know I am truly loved. Did I already say that life is good?

A New Chapter...(or is it an entirely a New Book?)

This is my journey. As I have said, I'm learning to let go of my past, and embrace my present with as much strength as I can muster. Some days it seems impossible. "Seems" being the keyword. I was married for a very long time. Eighteen and a half years. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would end up alone and living away from him. Sometimes I would wonder what that would be like. C'mon, in all honesty, I think every person in a relationship must wonder that. I never imagined it to be as heartbreaking as it has been. It was not my choice. Yet there's a saying that goes like this: "your life is a result of all the choices you have made". How did I choose this? I didn't choose this. He left. And he didn't want to come back.

It's been since 2006, and I feel like the dust in my heart hasn't quite yet settled. I'm still getting used to living a life without him, raising my daughter, and having my older daughter not live with me. Sometimes when I relax to watch a movie, I look over on the other side of the couch...and it just looks so empty. Like something is missing. One would think that I would already be used to that by now. Yeah...one would think, huh? I have always been a quick learner. Not this time...

But life isn't bad. That's not the purpose of this blog. I do not look upon my divorce (or pending divorce) as a gift. People say "oh you'll look back on this time as a gift." Bullshit. This is not a gift. It's a lesson. I've learned that I can survive a broken heart. A racing mind that won't quit. The nights alone. Going to a family function alone. Going to a school function alone. And just being alone. The things I never thought I could survive...I have. I've learned that I can take the trash out when it needs to be taken out. I've learned that I can fall asleep at night without being afraid. I can clean a house, make dinner, wash clothes, and get my daughter to school on time. I can work a full-time job and still be a great mom that spends good quality time with her kid. I've learned that daycare won't hurt my daughter. I can run half-marathons. I can take the time to learn how to swim laps. I can be an example to my 8 year old daughter, that sometimes life does hurt, and we can get knocked on our ass...AND we can get back up and keep going. As hard as it is...as painful as it is...it's not impossible.

One would think with all these valuable lessons that I am learning that life is only getting better. One would think huh? I can't say yet, whether my life is getting better. I'm learning how to deal with it better. I am still holding on to things I probably shouldn't be holding onto. To memories I probably shouldn't be holding on to. Some things are just gonna take me a little longer to let go of. It's not as easy as it sounds; "just let go". Just taking the wedding ring out of its hiding place, to take the picture below was done in slow motion, and not done with ease. I stared at it for a long long time. But I guess in order to let go, I need to face exactly what it is I need to let go of.

"Just let go". Yeah....like it's just that easy. Maybe for some people. Not for me.

If you love someone...tell them. And love them. Unconditionally.

The runner in me...

I quit smoking the day before this race. It was only a 10k race, but I really felt the effects of smoking. What were the effects you might ask? Umm, I couldn't breathe! At mile ONE, I thought I'd never get to the end! Isn't that very similar to life. We go through a rough spot, and think we'll never make it through. I did get to the end of this race, and it renewed my love for running. I've done 4 half-marathons, always doing "last minute" training. This time I'm following a 12 week training program. And even added swimming as part of my cross training! I'm not a swimmer. Wait...I am now! I'm getting there...it's new to me, and I really really like it! I should be ready for my next half-marathon in August....