To see the stars, you need darkness

I was listening to my XM radio this morning on the way to work. Rabbi Shmuley comes on at 9am. When I first started listening to him, I thought "a Rabbi? uh....NO" and was getting ready to change the channel when he must have said something profound to peak my interest. You see...I have what's called "contempt prior to investigation". Which means I don't like things before I even give them a chance. Like Lobster, Thai food, sushi, yogurt, and oatmeal! I don't like them AND I've never tasted them!! My list of things can go on and on. And one of the parts of this journey of mine is to keep an open-mind. With Rabbi Shmuley, I had that contempt prior to investigation. I figured he was a Rabbi, he was gonna try and convert me to become Jewish. On the contrary. I have found him to be a wise spiritual reality-based talk show host. I look forward to listening to him every morning on my way to work. And I'm always disappointed when I arrive to work, and can't listen the rest of his show.

This morning, he asked a question. "If you had been given the chance to be born, and do this ALL OVER AGAIN....would you have?" My first thought was NOPE. If I was given the option to view my life ahead of time.....I would probably say: "uh...nah. You guys go ahead, I'm gonna stay behind." I don't think there's ever been a time in my life (thus far) that has gone smooth. Things have always been hard. Complicated. Being a daughter...a friend...a mom...a wife...an employee...a sober woman...it's all been complicated.

I have heard that we choose our parents. And I thought about: "what if....JUST WHAT IF...I actually was given a choice. At some time in my spiritual life? What if I was shown lives, and I was told "ok, pick which one you want". What if that were actually the case? I know the kind of person I am. I will take the hard road. The road that has challenges. I will take the competitive route. Something that is going to be a challenge. And I bet, when I saw the life I was to have....some angel probably looked at me and said: "I dare ya. I dare you to choose that life right there....and NOT kill yourself." And I probably said: "you're on...."




I wondered today if I was here on a dare...




I can remember growing up and being a sad child. A scared child. An anxious child. And growing into my teen years. A sad teen. A scared teen. An anxious teen. And then coming into adulthood. A sad adult. A scared adult. An anxious adult. And then becoming a woman. A sad woman. A scared woman. An anxious woman. Life was never easy. I'm not saying it wasn't good. I had some good times. It was just never easy.

I probably took this life on a dare. That I could be happy IN SPITE OF my challenges. That I could be happy IN SPITE of my growing up years. That I could be happy IN SPITE of my drunken years. That I could be happy IN SPITE of this heartbreaking divorce I am now facing. That I could be happy, IN SPITE of whatever happens. I believe I chose my life, to prove to someone...that I could survive. Because there have been many times I wish I was not here. But every morning I wake up. And I live a good life. That doesn't come easy. But it still comes.

Rabbi Shmuley says that in order for us to create happiness within us, we need a purpose. When my husband moved out, I lost a huge part of my purpose in life. I was supposed to grow old with him. And he took that away. My older daughter moved out ahead of schedule, at age 17. I lost some purpose of being a mother. I had no idea how to be a mother to a daughter that lives in another home. I began to worry about my younger daughter. What will happen TO ME if she decides to leave me too? Life was one big ball of worry and fear.

My purpose in life came to me today. At age 40. It's simply to be happy. IN SPITE OF whatever life throws my way. I believe there was a moment in time, when I was offered the opportunity to view my entire life. Perhaps that's why we have deja vu. And in that opportunity, I must have seen something that made me say "I want that life. Give me that one." I chose this life. I believe it strongly.




And I believe when I was shown this life, THIS is what I saw that made me say:
"I WANT THIS LIFE.
I'LL TAKE IT."










Yes...Life is good...