Where are you God?

As children bring their broken toys

with tears for us to mend

I brought my broken dreams to God

Becouse he was my friend

But then instead of leaving him

in peace to work alone

I hung around and tried to help

With ways that were my own

When I snatched my dreams back and cried

"How could you be so slow"?

He said, "My child, what could I do

You never would let go."

It's been quite a while since I've blogged anything. I have been putting this blog off, because I knew it was the one that had to come next. When I was married, I had NO faith in God. Wait, I take that back....I had no "relationship" with God. It was always easy to thank God in the good times. And it was "ok" to go through bad times....because I had my husband there. And it was easy to say "well there are reasons for everything!"

But when he left, and said to me that he didn't love me anymore...and hadn't in YEARS...my faith in God came into question. My belief in Him was pretty much null. I couldn't understand what kind of God would break my family apart. Was I happy being married? Not really, but I was happier than I am now. Was it easy being married? Not really, but it was easier than doing this alone. Were there fights when we were married? Yeah, he didn't like taking the trash out! Today I realize if I wanted the trash taken out, all I had to do was take it out myself. I know that no one can make me feel anything without my consent...but him leaving has made me feel so worthless and insignificant. Not once, since he's left, has he EVER asked me how I am doing. NOT ONCE. He made it look so easy, to walk away from a 20 year relationship. Like I never had any impact on his life. It's a horrible horrible feeling.

We (me and him) had a conversation about a month ago. Where I put myself out there. I told him I still loved him. I told him I was still adjusting to life without him. I told him I was moving out of Brea because it was too hard for me being here, around the corner from him. I told him I was sorry for so many of the things my insecurities led me to do. I even told him I was sorry for getting mad at him when he didn't take the trash out. I told him I wished good things for him, and that the woman who captured his heart was a lucky woman. I cried as I told him that he was right to leave. Because when he left, I learned so much about myself. And that maybe if I ever got into another relationship, I could do it right. I told him that by telling him I felt all these things, that maybe I could let go and move on.

I said those things to get them off my chest. I didn't expect a response. I wasn't looking for one. But I felt like I was truly handing my heart over to God. I was finally letting go. And while I had lost my faith in God, and struggling SO HARD to get it back...to finally believe that God had my best interest at heart...what I hadn't realized was that while I was struggling so hard against God...I developed a relationship with Him. I talked to Him every single day, sometimes it felt like a million times a day. After I had that conversation with Adam...I went home early from work, and I spent time with God. I cried a lot because I knew I was saying good-bye.

When he first left, I held on to some form of hope. Hope that "one day" he would realize he couldn't live without me, and would come to me saying he was so sorry for anything he had done. I swore that I would never be the first one to initiate that conversation. But I was the first one to initiate it, and I did say that I still loved him. And nothing changed. I have a hard time believing that I was married to someone for so long, who was unemotional. But I was, and I can't change the past.

Today my house is filled with boxes all around me. An entire mess. I am moving to Huntington Beach. Me and Sami. I will be 7 miles from work. And I have hope that I am beginning a new chapter in my life. The move is all God's will. I didn't struggle at all to make this work out...it just did. Everything fell into place perfectly and easily. I have learned today that when I'm struggling for something to happen...it's not God's will. I don't like His will at times, and I question it. Because I don't understand it. And I don't have to understand it. Understanding it would not make my broken heart heal. What will make my heart heal is God's love. And god's love is in my friends that have supported me through all of this. The ones that have hugged me when I was crying. The ones who have logged out at work to give me thier shoulder. The ones who have prayed for me. The ones who have talked to me till all hours of the night. The ones who have given me cards, just to let me know they are thinking of me. The ones who support me in going back to church.

And I dare to ask God..."where are you??"

Through a painful journey....I have learned that no matter what God has planned for me...it's all good.

It's all good.